THREE BASIC TYPES OF DYSFUNCTION IN COUPLES - Part 3

This is the final blog in a three-part series on the basic types of dysfunction found in couples. The first article in the series was on the “Hot Fighting Couple.” The second article described the “Cool Distant Couple.” This third and last one in the series is about the “Pursuer / Distance Couple.”

THE PURSUER / DISTANCER COUPLE

In the ‘hot fighting couple,” there is too much emotional reactivity and intensity. They need to learn how to cool down their relationship. In the “cool distant couple,” there is not enough emotional intensity. They need to learn how to start their emotional engines, so to speak, and go toward each other. With the pursuer / distancer couple, they have to learn how to change the choreography of their “more the more dance.”

In this type of couple, each partner has a different relational profile. The Pursuer is in a one down, boundaryless stance in the relationship.  This person has low self-esteem and can have a well-developed shame core. This person has many unmet needs in the relationship and pursues their partner to meet them, whether or not their partner wants to or is able to do so. Pursuers are sometimes referred to as “Love Addicts” or “Codependents.”

The Distancer is the opposite of the Pursuer. These partners prefer to be left alone and want to avoid closeness and connection. They are sometimes called “Love Avoidants.” They fit the profile of the partners discussed in my earlier blog on “The Cool Distant Couple.” Please refer to that for more detail.

How do Pursuers pursue their partner?  First, a Pursuer can “over function” in the relationship to get the love and approval they so desperately need and want from their partner. For example, they try very hard to be the “good and perfect” spouse, parent, neighbor, in-law, etc. They make up that if they try hard enough, that they will receive what they give. And, they are often mistaken in this mindset, unfortunately.

Another way a Pursuer pursues is to be “parked in complaint.” This is called “angry pursuit.” Imagine a partner who feels “one down” and “less than” across the board.  Then add in the assumption that their partner should be meeting more of their needs by reading his or her mind. The Pursuer truly believes that the more they complain to and about their partner, the more likely their partner will change. They have little insight that they are driving their partner further and further away. 

The Pursuer / Distancer dance has a predictable and repetitive choreography. The more she or he distances, the more she or he pursues.  The more he or she pursues, the more he or she distances. It’s called the “More the More” dance in RLT.

I just saw a couple who have this dynamic. He is withdrawn and avoidant of her. He is in a “one up, walled off” stance in the marriage and behaves in a passive aggressive manner toward her. She is in a “one down, boundary-less, angry victim” stance.  She so badly wants him to engage with her as an equal partner and as a co-parent to their young children. But she is so deeply and constantly disappointed by him and cannot trust him. She ran out of any good will toward him and unconsciously finds complaint to be her only option.

As part of the RLT model I use, we tell people the truth and I “take turns taking sides.” I told her that she is “parked in complaint and offends from the victim position” which is driving him further away. Why would he want to co-parent with her when he’s always “wrong” and can never get it right with her? So, I suggested that she turn her complaints into requests and to start acknowledging the efforts he actually does make. I also gave her an emergency kit of boundaries—both containment and protective ones. 

He, on the other hand, is angry, frustrated and constantly feels invalidated by her. He retaliates by making unilateral parental decisions that undermine her parenting efforts. I told him that he needs to stop acting like a defiant teenager in reaction to how he sees her—as a scolding mother. I suggested that he begin consulting with her, in good faith, about parenting and that they learn to negotiate middle ground for the sake of their children. This Pursuer / Distancer couple are caught in a power struggle and cannot find their way out of it. I will be helping them with self-esteem, boundaries, respect, trust, and negotiation skills, to name a few.

This is the last in my three-part series on the three basic dysfunctions couples face in their relationships. Thankfully, the RLT model I use with couples is solution based and there’s always a way to help. These Pursuer /Distancer couples can emerge from their dysfunction and transform their relationship. I do my best to help couples find their version of Relational Joy! If you or your partner are interested in learning more about my approach to helping couples change, please reach out by filling out my contact form.