HOW RELATIONAL LIFE THERAPY (RLT) IS DIFFERENT FROM TRADITIONAL COUPLES THERAPY

Relational Life Therapy, aka RLT, was developed by a master couples’ therapist, Terry Real, bestselling author of New Rules of Marriage.  I began my RLT training with Terry in 2007 and immediately fell in love with this model for helping couples create long lasting, significant change in their relationships.

I have been practicing RLT with couples for the past 15 years in addition to being in the psychology profession for a total of 34 years. The following represents how I view RLT as radically different from other models of couples therapy, including traditional couples “talk therapy.”

1.   To start, RLT employs a two-hour session every two weeks versus a one-hour weekly session. These longer sessions allow for a much “deeper dive” into the couple’s work. Because the two-hour session is more efficient and effective, I rarely ever meet with a couple for just one hour anymore. In RLT, couples are given “homework assignments” relevant to their goals. In the two weeks between sessions, it is expected that they are doing their “homework.” This creates continuity across sessions and accountability for change. 

2.   In the first or second RLT session, each partner is given a “relational diagnosis” employing an RLT exercise called the “Grid.” They learn how and why they are “non-relational” with their partners. And they are also taught the skills to give up their non-relational behavior with their partner.

3.   In RLT, therapists and coaches “take sides” in the couples work and are not neutral. Not all problems in a relationship are 50/50. I call it “taking turns taking sides.” This means that I will first “lean on” the partner who is the most non-relational first to begin helping that person on a journey of becoming their “best relational selves.” Each partner gets their share of being “leaned on” until momentum for change is under way. 

4.   RLT is a direct, assertive and truth telling approach. It employs a combination of teaching, gentle but truthful feedback, and asking clients to make big individual changes. A big truth can come in the form of letting the partner know what the consequences or tradeoffs will be if those changes aren’t made at the behest of their partner.

5.   In RLT, we do not use DSM diagnoses to label people or judge their character. Rather, we look at the “root system” of a partner’s non-relational behavior, which is often times their family of origin. We help partners “connect the dots” from their past to their present to their future selves. Deepening self-awareness like this can then become a huge contributing factor to deep, significant, and permanent change.

6.   The beauty of RLT is that each partner is able to witness and experience the changes they are making together. Even though emphasis for change is on the individual in RLT, the synergy that is created by both partners changing at the same time is an amazing thing to witness. The choreography of this synergetic “couples dance” changes little by little, moving from stiff and dysfunctional to flowing, moving, and changing.

7.   In traditional therapy, the therapist is the expert. In RLT, the therapist/coach is neither above nor below the client. They are “with you” as a fellow traveler in their own relational recovery. In RLT, the therapist/coach uses self-disclosure judiciously to let you know they are walking the same relational path.

8.   Traditional therapy heals through talking, empathy and nurturing the client. These are all necessary ingredients but are not sufficient to create deep lasting change. In RLT, we teach our clients how to live relationally and to become their “best relational selves.” I help couples by giving them a “relational tool kit” that will stand the test of time across many years of their relationship.

When couples have been through one, two or more rounds of traditional couples therapy, they find my approach to RLT very refreshing and rejuvenating. I have had many couples tell me that they received more out of the first session with me than they did in months (or years) of traditional couples’ therapy. Before I began using RLT with couples, I was not a very effective couples’ therapist and it could feel very “uphill” to me and to them too. 

Now, working with couples has become such a joy and passion of mine. So much so, I have created a ten-week online couples retreat called Relational Joy! This online retreat has been designed to employ the principles and concepts of RLT along with other things I have learned along the way.

To find out more about this retreat and my work, click here.